I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
