best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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