I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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