I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
