i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
