I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
