I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
