he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
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If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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