I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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