If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
