Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
