I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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