Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
The uberlube is also flammable
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
