I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
