I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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