Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
