You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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