I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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