I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
