my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
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