then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
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