and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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