On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
