I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
