tell your sister to shave her snatch
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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