I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
