I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
