I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
