I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
