I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Let's get the cat blown out
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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