I want to stick my p in your. b.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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