Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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