She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
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His apartment number was 69. I had to.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
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We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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