hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Randomize
