ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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