Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
How does one acquire holy water?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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