so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
