My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you mean i was at the winter classic?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
