I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
