If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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