Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
