that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I can't put those talents on a resume
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
