His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
