I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
