I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
