I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
