Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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