You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
My vagina just clenched in fear
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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