I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
