the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
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