Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Your penis caused this!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
