How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
