we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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