Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
