dude i'm inner monologue high
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
