Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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