Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
