Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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