I faked an abortion last night.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
